I am terrible to myself.
I hold myself to the highest standards and I am ruthless when I fail.
Today I had a lot of shit going on, I had an appointment at 3pm with a lady to talk about a shitty little job that I'll be doing until I can do my other job again (I was laid off for the summer, I go back to work in Sept).  This job actually pays better, which is great, but envelope stuffing and mailing from home is certainly not going to help my resume.  While I was at the appt, Husband texted to say he took Jasper to the dog park.  So at 3:30 I went to the dog park to hang out before my 4:00 appointment with Therapist.  I got talking and completely forgot my appointment, Therapist called me and I was so filled with anger at myself I screamed out "I'm so STUPID, wtf is wrong with me" to which of course she did typical therapist response "you are not stupid, you are allowed to make mistakes blablabla bullshit bullshit bullshit".  Turned out she had a cancellation so it was no big deal, I got there at 4:30.  I'm furious with myself.  I know all day I had this appointment, I was looking forward to it, as I always do.  I love talking about myself, I'm my favorite subject.  Usually it's bashing myself.  I NEVER miss an appointment.  I never miss any appointments, I'm very rigid about that.  And I'm especially pissed because all day I thought about it, I knew I had this appointment, and I remember thinking that that would be the last thing I would forget.  Nope.
I know I'm dragging this out.  I'm rather long-winded.  Therapist corrects me all the time, giving me positive things to tell myself when I make a mistake or when I'm in a bad mindset.  I guess a lot of comes from I don't feel that I deserve to be forgiven.  I deserve to punish myself, berate myself and bring myself down so it won't happen again.  I am not allowed to make mistakes, mistakes are weakness and poor management.  I have a terrible time with forgiveness, I live by "fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me".  People don't get second chances with me.  Even I don't get second chances.
That's pretty fucked up.