Forgiveness.  I struggle with this.  I don't forgive people, I'm not sure I've ever forgiven a single person in my life.  Which makes it extremely, damn near impossible, to forgive myself.  As I've mentioned before, I hold myself to very high standards, standards that are perhaps unrealistic.  Never the less, they are my expectations and I an immobile when it comes to change in myself.  I cannot, and will not forgive myself for something.  I do not believe I deserve to be forgiven.  What I did is so inexcusable, so heartwrenchingly awful.  Of course, you are assuming I killed someone, the dramatics I'm exhibiting.
I walked away when Toby was dying.  I left him alone.  I pushed him away.  I am so consumed with shame by my behavior and there is absolutely nothing I can do to right this wrong.  At the time it was what I needed, I didn't know any better, I was protecting myself.  I WAS FUCKING SELFISH.  I thought of nothing but my own feelings.  There are no words to describe my disgust and disappointment in myself.  I am so completely and utterly ashamed.  I hate myself.  I absolutely hate myself.  I am governed by anger.  I know that I have to let it go, I know that I have to put on the happy suit and continue on with life, that all I am doing is punishing myself and forcing myself to suffer.  It does no good, it burns a lot of my energy, it makes me miserable and withdrawn.  But I don't deserve to be happy.  I don't deserve to move on.  I failed him.  And I failed myself.  I'm letting my anger and misery rule my life..and I couldn't care less.