Forgiveness. I struggle with this. I don't forgive people, I'm not sure I've ever forgiven a single person in my life. Which makes it extremely, damn near impossible, to forgive myself. As I've mentioned before, I hold myself to very high standards, standards that are perhaps unrealistic. Never the less, they are my expectations and I an immobile when it comes to change in myself. I cannot, and will not forgive myself for something. I do not believe I deserve to be forgiven. What I did is so inexcusable, so heartwrenchingly awful. Of course, you are assuming I killed someone, the dramatics I'm exhibiting.
I walked away when Toby was dying. I left him alone. I pushed him away. I am so consumed with shame by my behavior and there is absolutely nothing I can do to right this wrong. At the time it was what I needed, I didn't know any better, I was protecting myself. I WAS FUCKING SELFISH. I thought of nothing but my own feelings. There are no words to describe my disgust and disappointment in myself. I am so completely and utterly ashamed. I hate myself. I absolutely hate myself. I am governed by anger. I know that I have to let it go, I know that I have to put on the happy suit and continue on with life, that all I am doing is punishing myself and forcing myself to suffer. It does no good, it burns a lot of my energy, it makes me miserable and withdrawn. But I don't deserve to be happy. I don't deserve to move on. I failed him. And I failed myself. I'm letting my anger and misery rule my life..and I couldn't care less.
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Thursday, July 12, 2012
I am terrible to myself.
I hold myself to the highest standards and I am ruthless when I fail.
Today I had a lot of shit going on, I had an appointment at 3pm with a lady to talk about a shitty little job that I'll be doing until I can do my other job again (I was laid off for the summer, I go back to work in Sept). This job actually pays better, which is great, but envelope stuffing and mailing from home is certainly not going to help my resume. While I was at the appt, Husband texted to say he took Jasper to the dog park. So at 3:30 I went to the dog park to hang out before my 4:00 appointment with Therapist. I got talking and completely forgot my appointment, Therapist called me and I was so filled with anger at myself I screamed out "I'm so STUPID, wtf is wrong with me" to which of course she did typical therapist response "you are not stupid, you are allowed to make mistakes blablabla bullshit bullshit bullshit". Turned out she had a cancellation so it was no big deal, I got there at 4:30. I'm furious with myself. I know all day I had this appointment, I was looking forward to it, as I always do. I love talking about myself, I'm my favorite subject. Usually it's bashing myself. I NEVER miss an appointment. I never miss any appointments, I'm very rigid about that. And I'm especially pissed because all day I thought about it, I knew I had this appointment, and I remember thinking that that would be the last thing I would forget. Nope.
I know I'm dragging this out. I'm rather long-winded. Therapist corrects me all the time, giving me positive things to tell myself when I make a mistake or when I'm in a bad mindset. I guess a lot of comes from I don't feel that I deserve to be forgiven. I deserve to punish myself, berate myself and bring myself down so it won't happen again. I am not allowed to make mistakes, mistakes are weakness and poor management. I have a terrible time with forgiveness, I live by "fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me". People don't get second chances with me. Even I don't get second chances.
That's pretty fucked up.
I hold myself to the highest standards and I am ruthless when I fail.
Today I had a lot of shit going on, I had an appointment at 3pm with a lady to talk about a shitty little job that I'll be doing until I can do my other job again (I was laid off for the summer, I go back to work in Sept). This job actually pays better, which is great, but envelope stuffing and mailing from home is certainly not going to help my resume. While I was at the appt, Husband texted to say he took Jasper to the dog park. So at 3:30 I went to the dog park to hang out before my 4:00 appointment with Therapist. I got talking and completely forgot my appointment, Therapist called me and I was so filled with anger at myself I screamed out "I'm so STUPID, wtf is wrong with me" to which of course she did typical therapist response "you are not stupid, you are allowed to make mistakes blablabla bullshit bullshit bullshit". Turned out she had a cancellation so it was no big deal, I got there at 4:30. I'm furious with myself. I know all day I had this appointment, I was looking forward to it, as I always do. I love talking about myself, I'm my favorite subject. Usually it's bashing myself. I NEVER miss an appointment. I never miss any appointments, I'm very rigid about that. And I'm especially pissed because all day I thought about it, I knew I had this appointment, and I remember thinking that that would be the last thing I would forget. Nope.
I know I'm dragging this out. I'm rather long-winded. Therapist corrects me all the time, giving me positive things to tell myself when I make a mistake or when I'm in a bad mindset. I guess a lot of comes from I don't feel that I deserve to be forgiven. I deserve to punish myself, berate myself and bring myself down so it won't happen again. I am not allowed to make mistakes, mistakes are weakness and poor management. I have a terrible time with forgiveness, I live by "fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me". People don't get second chances with me. Even I don't get second chances.
That's pretty fucked up.
Doom and gloom today. I'm feeling pissy. I did not sleep well last night at all, which does not bode well for the day. I was very annoyed about it, not sure if it was the vyvanse or what. It ended around 11pm and I took my usual sleepy meds. Just couldn't settle down, I fucked around on Pinterest forever waiting for my eyes to do that strained, exhausted thing, but it never came. I smoked some pot and still didn't sleep. That's extremely annoying because I don't really care for being high, I use it to help sleep. I didn't even feel like smoking last night, I put it off until it was like 3am, hoping I would fall asleep naturally. Anyway, I laid there continuing to over-think everything forever, being miserable.
I finally fell asleep, and then Husband woke me up at 5am to chase the cat around the yard, I was still high and really confused and very annoyed that he wasn't aware of the Cat's location while fussing with getting the dog outside. The dog freaked out when he saw me, got super excited, which I hate because I wanted to go back to bed and didn't want Jasper to feel disappointed at my disappearance. Husband was not specific in telling me where Cat went, so I looked out front of the house for 15 minutes. After I couldn't find him I was really nervous that he had run off for good this time. Then came inside and Husband yelled at me like a complete and total asshole for not helping. Finally got Cat back inside and at this point my stress level was really high. Husband was a dick causing me to flip to Evil Jill, and I was stressed about the animals. I can't handle it when they are upset. Cat gets very upset and volatile after being outside because he knows he has been bad. Dog became anxious because I was anxious, and also wouldn't play with him.
After that I could not fall asleep for anything. I laid in bed, thinking about my doctor's appt today to have a suspicious mole looked at. I thought about what I would do and say when she told me I have cancer, who I would tell first, how I would tell people. Would I even care? Would my release finally be here? My way out? As usual, no regard for anyone else's feelings, it's always about me. I started a plan, perhaps I wouldn't even tell anyone, I wouldn't seek treatment, I would just continue as if nothing was happening. Wouldn't that be awful.
Such a selfish bitch! And wtf, I don't even have fucking cancer. It wasn't even a mole, it was an inflamed pore, for christsakes.
I survive to live another day. No simple escape for this girl, not today.
I finally fell asleep, and then Husband woke me up at 5am to chase the cat around the yard, I was still high and really confused and very annoyed that he wasn't aware of the Cat's location while fussing with getting the dog outside. The dog freaked out when he saw me, got super excited, which I hate because I wanted to go back to bed and didn't want Jasper to feel disappointed at my disappearance. Husband was not specific in telling me where Cat went, so I looked out front of the house for 15 minutes. After I couldn't find him I was really nervous that he had run off for good this time. Then came inside and Husband yelled at me like a complete and total asshole for not helping. Finally got Cat back inside and at this point my stress level was really high. Husband was a dick causing me to flip to Evil Jill, and I was stressed about the animals. I can't handle it when they are upset. Cat gets very upset and volatile after being outside because he knows he has been bad. Dog became anxious because I was anxious, and also wouldn't play with him.
After that I could not fall asleep for anything. I laid in bed, thinking about my doctor's appt today to have a suspicious mole looked at. I thought about what I would do and say when she told me I have cancer, who I would tell first, how I would tell people. Would I even care? Would my release finally be here? My way out? As usual, no regard for anyone else's feelings, it's always about me. I started a plan, perhaps I wouldn't even tell anyone, I wouldn't seek treatment, I would just continue as if nothing was happening. Wouldn't that be awful.
Such a selfish bitch! And wtf, I don't even have fucking cancer. It wasn't even a mole, it was an inflamed pore, for christsakes.
I survive to live another day. No simple escape for this girl, not today.
Things that keep me here-
My pets. It breaks my heart and brings me to tears to think of how they would miss me. It would be a terrible thing to leave them. Above all, they have kept me here, they have been the one thing stopping me in my darkest hours.
I'm in love with everything. I love the different shapes of trees and how they blow in the wind. I love to smell things in the air. I love the feeling of sunshine or rain on my skin. I love grass and sand and carpet and cold floors. I love soft things on my skin, fresh sheets, animals. I love architecture and to think of how much humans have created, how far we've come. I love art and I love fossils, dinosaurs. I love to do childlike things and play with toys. I love different variations of color.
I love the parts of life that I can enjoy from afar, the things that are just for me.
--
These are what I hold tight to when I consider ending it all. How much easier it would be to stop hurting and to stop hurting those around me. How nice it would be to feel like a person, instead of a wild animal, instead of someone so angry inside.
These things. Not my husband, not my family, just these small things.
My pets. It breaks my heart and brings me to tears to think of how they would miss me. It would be a terrible thing to leave them. Above all, they have kept me here, they have been the one thing stopping me in my darkest hours.
I'm in love with everything. I love the different shapes of trees and how they blow in the wind. I love to smell things in the air. I love the feeling of sunshine or rain on my skin. I love grass and sand and carpet and cold floors. I love soft things on my skin, fresh sheets, animals. I love architecture and to think of how much humans have created, how far we've come. I love art and I love fossils, dinosaurs. I love to do childlike things and play with toys. I love different variations of color.
I love the parts of life that I can enjoy from afar, the things that are just for me.
--
These are what I hold tight to when I consider ending it all. How much easier it would be to stop hurting and to stop hurting those around me. How nice it would be to feel like a person, instead of a wild animal, instead of someone so angry inside.
These things. Not my husband, not my family, just these small things.
Ah, yes, a day of over-thinking and over-analyzing the past. Just when I saw a glimmer of light, off I go bounding toward the darkness.
I saw a quote today, one of those annoying picture-in-the-background-fancy-font shit. I'll spare you the upload, it will only further annoy us both.
"The past called. Don't answer, it has nothing new to say."
Easy for you to say, asshole!
Anyway. Got lots of exercise today, took the dog for 4 miles of walking, beach time and doggy park. Vyvanse was good today, I didn't feel so fucked up. I noticed it coming and going, if I slowed down and relaxed I would get sleepy. Then I'd do something and it would come back. Interesting.
Tomorrow I have to go see my physician. I'm nervous because I have to tell them about these new drugs and diagnosis, I don't want to see their faces. I know they will be profesh, but still. And I know that I shouldn't ashamed of being bipolar and needing meds, but I can't help but feel like a psycho. I had to tell my dentist a few weeks ago, he was actually the first person I told. When first diagnosed I was absolutely horrified, I cried and cried. I didn't want to be associated with this condition. After all, I had self-diagnosed myself with some fine mental illnesses! Those I liked, I was quite comfortable being those disorders. My dentist was actually wonderful about it, I'm pretty sure he saw my red face, looking down, and mumbled bipolar disorder. He seemed genuinely interested in how I was managing, and even laughed warmly when I made a slight joke. I like that guy. His office smells of mold and 1975, I can barely tolerate the smell, but he is a pretty awesome guy.
It's getting later now, I must prepare for tomorrow's impending doom.
I'm not feeling positive at all tonight. :/
I saw a quote today, one of those annoying picture-in-the-background-fancy-font shit. I'll spare you the upload, it will only further annoy us both.
"The past called. Don't answer, it has nothing new to say."
Easy for you to say, asshole!
Anyway. Got lots of exercise today, took the dog for 4 miles of walking, beach time and doggy park. Vyvanse was good today, I didn't feel so fucked up. I noticed it coming and going, if I slowed down and relaxed I would get sleepy. Then I'd do something and it would come back. Interesting.
Tomorrow I have to go see my physician. I'm nervous because I have to tell them about these new drugs and diagnosis, I don't want to see their faces. I know they will be profesh, but still. And I know that I shouldn't ashamed of being bipolar and needing meds, but I can't help but feel like a psycho. I had to tell my dentist a few weeks ago, he was actually the first person I told. When first diagnosed I was absolutely horrified, I cried and cried. I didn't want to be associated with this condition. After all, I had self-diagnosed myself with some fine mental illnesses! Those I liked, I was quite comfortable being those disorders. My dentist was actually wonderful about it, I'm pretty sure he saw my red face, looking down, and mumbled bipolar disorder. He seemed genuinely interested in how I was managing, and even laughed warmly when I made a slight joke. I like that guy. His office smells of mold and 1975, I can barely tolerate the smell, but he is a pretty awesome guy.
It's getting later now, I must prepare for tomorrow's impending doom.
I'm not feeling positive at all tonight. :/
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Another day.
So far I don't feel the same "Tripping major ballsack" (thank you 21 Jump Street) effect. Of course now that I've said that it's only a matter of time before I eat those words. So far I'm good, focused. Not the phenomenal mood of yesterday. Man, I was chipper. I wasn't even a total asshole to husband! How strange! The dog pissed me off pretty hardcore by attempting to chew the furniture after stealing multiple items around the house to chew on and not responding to the toys I kept giving him. I was a little rage-tastic, but nothing crazy, just explosions of frustration in my head. Whatevs.
Today I'm tasking myself, I have a plan. Really liking strange music again. Non-medicated Jill doesn't give a shit about music, music is for listening to in the car while bored, or cleaning. Medicated Jill intently listens to instrumental music (weird.) and feels every bass string. Do like. I know that it's odd behavior though and do not like. Husband even mentioned it yesterday. I don't care for this new development very much, I know it's a harmless change, but it's not really me. Perhaps it's the Better Me! *sardonic snort*
So far I don't feel the same "Tripping major ballsack" (thank you 21 Jump Street) effect. Of course now that I've said that it's only a matter of time before I eat those words. So far I'm good, focused. Not the phenomenal mood of yesterday. Man, I was chipper. I wasn't even a total asshole to husband! How strange! The dog pissed me off pretty hardcore by attempting to chew the furniture after stealing multiple items around the house to chew on and not responding to the toys I kept giving him. I was a little rage-tastic, but nothing crazy, just explosions of frustration in my head. Whatevs.
Today I'm tasking myself, I have a plan. Really liking strange music again. Non-medicated Jill doesn't give a shit about music, music is for listening to in the car while bored, or cleaning. Medicated Jill intently listens to instrumental music (weird.) and feels every bass string. Do like. I know that it's odd behavior though and do not like. Husband even mentioned it yesterday. I don't care for this new development very much, I know it's a harmless change, but it's not really me. Perhaps it's the Better Me! *sardonic snort*
Day One of Vyvanse is complete. What a fucking weird-ass day.
So, I guess this blog is going to be me trying to figure out where I am going in life. How to open the pandora's box of feelings that I've locked away for over a year. And evaluating these pills. This whole things is confusing, I just don't know what I'm doing. What exactly I want to achieve, I say it's time to open that box, but damn. I am afraid of that box. Part of me loves to be indifferent, to not care about anything. It's easy and convenient. But it also turns me into a cold, unfeeling, unpredictable, completely bitchy psychopath. And people don't like that.
So, here I am on the yellow brick road. Fresh diagnosis, fresh pills pills pills. :/
Bi-polar II.
Lamictyl 100mg
Xanax 1mg
Vyvanse 20mg
Remeron 15mg
That's my beginning dosages. Started 6/10/2012.
I do not respond to SSRI's.
2005- Zoloft made me FAT. 50lbs heavier in 6 months, it's taken me 3 years to lose 30 lbs from that disaster. It didn't even work, turned me into a zombie, constantly searching for food and baking cake. I HATE sweets, always have, but Zoloft loves sweet treats. Remeron doesn't help, it loves carbs. (Which Jill also loves. Yumm)
So, here we are at Lamictyl, promises that I will not gain weight. Coupled with Vyvanse I have zero interest in food, yay. :)
So, I guess this blog is going to be me trying to figure out where I am going in life. How to open the pandora's box of feelings that I've locked away for over a year. And evaluating these pills. This whole things is confusing, I just don't know what I'm doing. What exactly I want to achieve, I say it's time to open that box, but damn. I am afraid of that box. Part of me loves to be indifferent, to not care about anything. It's easy and convenient. But it also turns me into a cold, unfeeling, unpredictable, completely bitchy psychopath. And people don't like that.
So, here I am on the yellow brick road. Fresh diagnosis, fresh pills pills pills. :/
Bi-polar II.
Lamictyl 100mg
Xanax 1mg
Vyvanse 20mg
Remeron 15mg
That's my beginning dosages. Started 6/10/2012.
I do not respond to SSRI's.
2005- Zoloft made me FAT. 50lbs heavier in 6 months, it's taken me 3 years to lose 30 lbs from that disaster. It didn't even work, turned me into a zombie, constantly searching for food and baking cake. I HATE sweets, always have, but Zoloft loves sweet treats. Remeron doesn't help, it loves carbs. (Which Jill also loves. Yumm)
So, here we are at Lamictyl, promises that I will not gain weight. Coupled with Vyvanse I have zero interest in food, yay. :)
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